Since there is already a review for Fat Princess, Naughty Bear and Monsters (Probably) Stole My Princess on this site i figured I may as well take a chance at reviewing the game that convinced me to stop buying these games that just seem silly and child friendly at first but turned out to be so fucked in the head, your frontal lobe can be classified as a prostitute after playing. Not because it was bad, but because I knew now that I didn’t have to lie when I look my future children in the eye and say that just because a videogame is violent, doesn’t make it more fun. This one was genuinely hard to get a hold of. I tried my local game shops and electronics sellers, I checked PSN and Steam, and yet it was not to be found. I finally managed to import a copy from America and it showed up smelling of cheeseburgers and gunpowder.

red hood top

The entire game doesn’t really seem to know who it is inspired because it seems like Disney told H.C. Andersen to write a story together with Michal bay, and then made bizarro Tim burton directed it after he had been awake for the last 48 hours watching the Hayao Miyazaki marathon. And speaking of old animation and Disney. What gives Disney, first you  close down your main animation studio and then you close Lucasart. If you want to be piledriven in to the same chamber pot that Enron and AIG have been lying face down in? If so, you just have to ask, we won’t be difficult to convince. All we have to do is look at your live action shows and we will be gathering an angry mob and marching it all the way to Anaheim in no-time.

meet the Little Taylor. the game's antagonist

meet the Little Taylor. the game’s antagonist

The protagonists you can choose from today are little red riding hood, snow white, the king who should change tailor and Jack. And just to put some light on the unoriginal naming in fairytales I will give you time to figure out which of the 20 fairytale jacks I am talking about. They are all angry at this one guy who I am pretty sure was one of the candy racers in wreck it ralph, because he has been ruining their stories and rendered them worthless. They now seek revenge and what better way to get revenge on the one person that wronged you than massacring every single innocent bystander and adorable woodland creature in cold blood if they come within a 500 feet radius. Personally I always ended up playing as little red riding hood which I ended up calling Alice partially because her voice sounded like my friend Alice and partially because I knew I was gonna review this and Alice is less tedious and time consuming to type than little red “fuck this five syllable name” riding hood. Not to mention she is the only character I didn’t despise. The king is a creep, jack is a poorly designed moron and snowwhite is a twitching, schizophrenic mess. Most the time the animation makes the characters look life half inflated parade balloons, which I am guessing was a decision made by the developers in order to keep out of the uncanny valley. If so, nicely done.  However, if the animation is as distant from realism as this one, the story should be told via a nonverbal way to make it more accessible to a larger audience. But I think that fairytale fights could benefit from some more voice work.

Every time a fight starts, “Alice” makes a scream that sounds like an autotuned cat with its tail trapped in the car door….and that’s it, she doesn’t have any other dialogue or sounds. I am not saying that they need that uncharted style dry joke spouting every other second but maybe give the narrator a voice so we don’t have to read an entire novel while a lumberjack and lombertom (oh, and the game is filled with puns) is trying to bash my scull in. And since the narrator and his text bobbles it the only way to keep in touch with the actual story you won’t be understanding or getting why people who you’ve never met and seem nice at first glance is running at you waving sharp and blunt objects that they want to deposit inside your cranium.

But I digress, the story isn’t the main focus in a game like fairytale fights because if you turn the box/cover/what-ever-you-call-it around you will see the words “bloody crazy” and “multiplayer co-op” in big shiny capital letters. And why wouldn’t they market those things in particular. They are the two only biggest features the game has to offer, because fairytale fights suck if you are going to be playing it solo single loner style. If you remember my naughty bear and fat princess review then you must remember that I said that these games should be played with friends and possibly a few (dusin)1824034-box_ffights drinks and the same goes for fairytale fights. But if you do remember my naughty bear and fat princess review then you’re probably the kind of person that don’t have any friends you can invite over and you probably aren’t even over the legal drinking age either seeing how you’re playing fairytale fights. But if you do have the necessary qualifications to never becoming a monk then I suggest you round up 4 of your best lads and lasses and play the night away.

I suggest getting the PC version because the controls on the console (ps3 in this case) is f***ing atrocious. There are a lot of complaints I can make about how the buttons seems to have forgotten where they were supposed to be and decided to improvise but I feel like the two biggest are the once that control your weapons. Because the right shoulder button where the button to fire and attack is supposed to be there is a switch weapon button. And to top it off, the switch weapon button works even when there’s no weapon there to switch with so your character will throw whatever weapon he or she has acquired across the screen, in to walls or of cliffs like as if they just saw a big hairy spider on the handle. And when enemies are attacking in large bundles and come from nowhere (which they always do) then you as a gamer will have it written in stone in your brain that you should now push the right shoulder button to defend yourself. Which here causes the character to hurl whatever weapon their holding as far as they can, leaving you defenseless against the attacking horde. I have had people telling me that I should try to focus better on remembering the button combinations but I’ll be damned if I un-learn the normal way a controller should work for just one game. And when the right shoulder button is taken, the attack and defend actions has had to be moved to another place for them to inhabit. And that place turns out to be the right analog stick…let’s see…..what would be the best way to phrase this?…………..hm……  ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!!! I am aware of the cliché of even mentioning this, seeing how every other critic on the planet having addressed the issue but why can’t developers just leave the analog stick alone? Not only is it annoying and off-putting to wiggle that sword with it for every good damn move but it fucks the gameplay directly up. If I wanted to wave shit without any system to it, I would have bought a wii. But this means that the camera will be out of our control and if you are a normal, sensible human being like me, or your neighbor or prince charls then you will have the tv and couch more than 3 inches away from each other.

After playing through the game I started to wonder just how exactly they were going to market this. Because the gameplay is put together in a manner that might be fun to play but when you look at it without any way to interact with the characters on screen then it’s more boring than watching a imitate snail slow-motion slithering across a football field in bullet time. So went online and saw a live action trailer for the game featuring a guy I thought was the guy who played super Mario. So I looked in the description and saw the male actor’s name and goggled him. And after spending the remainder of that evening with my forehead resting on my toilet seat, feeling my breakfast, lunch and dinner exiting my body the say way they entered, I thought about the things I had learned that day. I learned that Fairytale fights is even more messed up in the head than I thought, I learned the importance of double checking and making sure that the safe search is on. I saw to my surprise that instead of actually gameplay edited to look like an action movie, the trailer consisted of pornstars. Which makes me wonder. Did they use this as a way to get publicity to a game that would go in to the forget book a month after release. By aggravating the anti-gaming crowds by making them cry “ SCANDAL” and “Corrupting the minds of my children”? There are even awards for spilling 1000 gallon of blood and murdering 1000 innocent children, so much for trying to get rid of the social stigma around videogames.296563.fairytale-fights-per-pc.nfjqp_jpg_1400x0_q85

But even though the game has set back the evolution of videogames a few years and the combat controls like a man with Parkinson and Hemophilia playing five finger fillet. And the same can be said for the outcome of the battles since the screen get’s filled with blood when you kill someone. The weapons are practically useless and the few good once you find are probably going to be throw so far away that you can never possibly retrieve them, not to mention that they incinerate if you die which leaves you defenseless after respawning.  But the visuals are cool and fun to look at and there are fairytale Easter eggs all over the place so you will at least be spectacular to watch. There is also a menu level where you can build your fame up again and build yourself statues but I never even fucking touched that because it frigging masturbatory.

So the big question is: is fairytale fights a good game? To that I have to say no.

But the question that you should be asking is: is fairytale fights a fun game? And that it most definitely is, despite the control problems.

But the most important question is: Bioshock Infinite is out. Why the fuck am I playing this shit?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Roger Ebert  (1942-2013)

You were the man all critics wish to become, we will always remember what you thought us. Thank you for shearing your genius.  Rest In Peace

Sorry about not making a review for a month and a half, I have been so caught up with work and school lately I came close to gathering up my red staplers and torching the place. . But now I am back to complain once again. YayGumball-and-Darwin-the-amazing-world-of-gumball-23401242-1600-900

If you look at the demographic, most “new” cartoons are made solely to sell merchandise to slow children so whenever a cartoon created because the people making it refused to give up on their ideas when the clients told them to scrap the ideas come along I feel we should be supportive despite our skepticism like as if our first born child’s first word was “cu*t”.

tell me this is one of the coolest and creative things ever.

tell me this is one of the coolest and creative things ever.

Tina Seeling once said that “creativity is a renewable resource”, a theory the creators of Gumball put in to practice. The amazing world of gumball was created using rejected characters for commercials at studioA.K.A (not to be confused with the A.K.A that made Edd, Edd and Eddie) where the show’s creator Ben Bocquelet (which sounds like a sheep mascot for a catering firm) used to work. The show is pretty simple. Our main protagonist is Gumball (duh) who goes to school and plays with his friends and mess around all day like a NORMAL kid does. There’s no saving the earth in TAWOG, just regular problems that regular kids end up dealing with. Like forgetting to deliver a DVD back to the shop, or trying to find a hobby that isn’t just TV.  But the art style is definitely what gonna make you wanna watch this series. It’s a mix of stop motion, CGI and both computer and hand drawn art. All the backgrounds are either CGI or real, which makes the 2D characters jump out and it gives all the shots their own little aesthetic. It  also gets extra points for having the child characters voiced by children. though i would worry a little bit about that in the long run.

The more I think about TAWOG (I think that’s a doctor who species) take a chance on a lot of new things in cartons, it’s about two kids in remedial class, it has slavery in it and crossbreeding. Because gumball is some sort of half bunny, half cat …………boy…….thing? And he has something I would hesitate to call a goldfish (I suspect it’s the same kind of goldfish from Lake Tahoe…………….ask your parents) since it has arms and legs that I can retract like a turtle. And it looks like a dish from chowder (also a great cartoon). Whether or not the fish is a friend or pet or slave is actually pretty debatable and there seems to be a form of racism Gumball11(spiecisam? animacicm? cartoonicm?) seeing how the fish is being threaded as a second class citizen and nobody actually ever listen to him. When you first start noticing it you think it’s just part of the act but the more you actually watch the show, the more suspect it gets.

It is basically the essence of Saturday morning cartoon. It has a kid and his friend fighting the everyday life. Except that the everyday life looks like some Simpsons inspired brain damage induced hallucination. One of the major selling points apart from the animation is the side characters. Gumballs family especially. The most interesting character is gumballs mother Nicole who I can come off as an antagonist, of sort. While she’s not exactly what I would call evil, she’s just doing her motherly duties of stopping gumball and Darwin from doing something stupid. Her personality can basically be described as a form of marge Simpson. The really interesting moments with her happens when she goes out of character. Something that can be said about all the characters in this series. Nichole is a morbid psychopath. She has a tendency to go batshit bananas whenever either her or gumball is faced with a problem and it’s really funny to see the voice of reason make a swan dive on to the lawn and start shooting ever conceivable object in sight with a paintball gun (season 3, episode 2. I shit you not).  Nichole Watterson is defiantly my favorite character, it was interesting to see her try to single handedly care for her family since the father is too …………..”special” can be the word we’re gonna use for it. And how she is torn between loving her family above everything in the world and almost killing her loved once. She’s a good character in need of anger management. There is a lot to be said about all the characters in general but they are definitely not one dimensional. They all have their own way of reacting to each other even when there is no reason for them to be in the scene. But it doesn’t seem forced or waist full because all the character, even the minor once have their own unique personality and quirks.  I will admit, the character I disliked the most is the dad, Richard. Which makes it annoying that he’s probably the one who gets the most laughs out of me? But his personality is one of the most generic cartoon dad ever, he is just a complete idiot who just happens to be an adult. It’s like the starting phase of homer Simpson. But the character in itself is funny because most the times you see him it is usually in a very tense moment where he comes in and make it all more silly.

The video above is an excellent example of how Gumball gets the same joke to work over, and over, and over again. It may be a bit repedetiv but that makes it even more adorably awesome. Story wise it may sometimes remind you of Calvin and Hobbes and I suspect that’s where the show got its inspiration, it’s the normal everyday kid with the not average (that is saying a lot in this show) friend who take everyday things to new comical levels. Everything they do is basic everyday stuff but they do it in such an over the top way that they can make an entire episode out of it. But unlike most shows that pat one minor side story out for an entire episode, the amazing world of gumball makes it work. It’s an absolute cluster of what-the-fuck-ery and that is the only thing about this cartoon that makes sense. Gold star.

So once again i sit my stupid ass down in a chair and watch human TED host the most overhyped award ever. If I have to be honest. It would have been better if we didn’t have the red carpet and since my only way is to see it is on the NRK (Norwegian version of BBC) I kept cutting back to the studio in Norway to listen to some bearded stupid boring critic talk about the event that you actually tuned in to see. Which is just like having your drunken friend telling you the script word for word is the same as watching the movie. And since I forgot to review something this week I’ll just leave you with my thoughts on the Oscars.

The red carpet is boring and I am gonna go watch an entire season of doctor who to pass the time.

Daniel day Lewis didn’t his rehearse speech enough and proved that’s he’s not big on improve.

Brave beating out both paranorman and wreck it ralph was bullshit and the academy should be ashamed of itself.

Mrs. Obama looks like she glued a chocolate plate to her forehead, still looked good in that dress though.

Argo deserved  it. Good movie. Please do something similar again soon.

Paperman was the essence of everything that makes Disney magical

I had fun timing my bathroom breaks

Some please tell the academy that nobody saw that weird French movie

Why didn’t the pig movie get anything?

Why didn’t they just rename the Lincoln movie “Daniel wants an Oscar”

best joke: sir, they’re gone

nazis?

Ben Affleck always knows the right words to say doesn’t he

Le miserablahblahblahblah won………..no joke, that was fully deserved, I loved that musical ever since I saw an amateur production of it in my hometown. Go le mis.

Tommy lee jones laughed. Mind blown

Why didn’t Gary Oldman win anything for his adaptation of commissioner Gordon?

Life of pi won something? Life of pi beats the avenger!?! THAT’S FUCKING IT! SOMEONE PLEASE KICK THE IDIOTS IN THE ACADEMY OUT ON THE STREET.

power-of-education-the-evolution-of-man

just a heads-up, i will be going in to go into spoiler territory because i kind of have to explain what the movie is like. i will only spoil till we’re half way through the movie so the ending isn’t gonna be ruined but if you don’t wanna have the first part of the movie spoiled this will be your review :
pros: funny jokes, likable characters, cool camos and great writing
cons: silly, dizzying, incoherent
overall score: ★★★★✩.
————————————————————————————————————————————-
For those of you who aren’t afraid of trunk-lid decorations: Enjoy the review.

So the movie centers around the Darwin awards are something that started as a way to honor the people who improved the human gene pool by removing their own stupid ass from it by getting themselves killed in tragic (in this case, tragic also mean hilarious) ways. The award is given annually to whoever killed themselves in the way that the judge.

alternative movie cover

alternative movie cover

Our main characters are what I imagine Michael, Andy and Pam for the office (American version) would be like if you mixed up their DNA with doctor house, mclovin and Donna Noble. But instead of being underage paperselling doctors that travel in time. They are insurance agents and one little prick with a camera. Or main protagonist is the guy (Dr Michel house Scott), used to be a police investigator until he one day got in a fist fight with a serial killer. And Michel house faints when he sees blood so when the killer starts to bleed the big manly detective goes down like a 14 year old girl being promised Justin Bieber tickets (am I a horrible person?). He then seeks a job at the incurrence agency because of obsession with the Darwin awards and he can predict everything and can put himself in the situation of the brainless morons who get nominated for this award.  Meaning that he solves cases of idiocy Sherlock Holmes style. He is stalked by a film student who’s making a documentary about him. and by now you should have figured out, the movie is shot mockumentary style meaning that it’s all shot through a handheld camera controlled by someone who clearly has Parkinson’s disease. Except the movie is only a half mockumentary so it’s shot with a handheld at sometimes and as a cinematic at other times and the entire change makes the movie hard to watch. I can understand that they need to film Michel’s (yes that is his name) flashes of how the potential candidate might have killed themselves but I don’t see why you would wanna have major parts of the movie filmed in two entirely different formats and frame rates. And when xxxcamkid69xxx and the most stereotypical washed up cop go off to the first crime/accident scene where a moron who couldn’t be more 1% if he was dressed as the monopoly guy has been mooched by a vending machine. Where we have the most awkward scene ever when he tries to walk over the blood floor and still keep his cool (spoiler alert, he fails “tragically”). He uses his sherlockian powers (deduction) to travel back in time and enter the body of the human manifestation of scrooge McDuck and see him reenact a joke I saw on the Simpsons once.And once Winona Ryder’s character which you will always call Winona Ryder because you don’t give enough shit to actually learn her character’s name. Seriously.

captain blowjob bobiling bummer moment...........it makes sense when you see the movie i swear

captain blowjob bobiling bummer moment………..it makes sense when you see the movie i swear

Nobody in this movie has their name mentioned enough times for it to actually matter.  Except some guy named Harvey who is the guy opening the movie and is also the second case that becomes solved. And as always, Michel mayhem (seriously though, the allstate mayhem guy deserves his own movie)  uses his Darwin power to recreate how Harvey killed himself. And in this flash back we see a sad, sad man from south America that works in a gas station that reminds me of the guy sally sparrows most likely is gonna get married to. He decides to do something stupid to get on TV. So he visits the….. OH MY GOD IT’S THE MYTHBUSTERS!!!! (que nerdgasm) The guy goes to the FU**ING Mythbusters!  And the mythbusters give them a jet engine from the united states air force………now. i won’t spoil the next scene. But let me say this. car, rocket, duck tape, Simpsons did it.

also, check out the darwin award books, they come out every year and is great for entertaining yourself

also, check out the darwin award books, they come out every year and is great for entertaining yourself

After that it time for something called blowjob dentistry, which means it is around this point you realize it’s now the middle of the movie and the main antagonist (if you can call him that) have only made one appearance and it wasn’t really all that memorable to begin with, and the only reason he is the antagonist is because the main character is fixated on him being evil. We never actually see him doing something bad. The story haven’t been connecting to each other and that this movie would be much better of as a detective comedy series since they just move from one case to another and then never mention them again. And even the part of the movie which according to the Hollywood model is called the point of no return is pretty much the next 30 minutes of the movie. Not to mention that every single one of their cases all are urban legends anyway and every case takes 15 to 20 minutes so they may as well so it could just be a very wellwritten detective show on some half as channel. And the actally plot of the movie is only on screen for the first five and the last twenty minutes, and that is only something I would call a climax any more than I would call a napkin a potato.  But that doesn’t nesecerally mean it’s bad, by the end of the movie you will have found yourself rather fond of detective Michel, love interest Siri and camera fez (I kept calling him that). And my little freak-out over the mythbusters being in the movie is something you may aswell get used to because the movie is packed with them. I won’t spoil this for you but let me just say that you’ll at least love one or two of the surprise cameos. And the way Michel solves the cases and the unnatural clues he uses are just a joy to watch.

 

“Hey kids, it’s time to use the f word”  - Reel Big Fish 

Now, you may be asking: “hey Matt. What do you mean PlayStation minis. What is that”
Well my relatively stupid reader. PlayStation minis was a concept PlayStation thought up when they were launching the new series of psp gos. The idea was that you could play on both your psp and ps3. So there where made a ton of mini games that where supposed to represent Sony in the mobility race. But no matter how much of a hype this was when the minis were created they backfired and ended up being a failed attempt at glory. The studios responsible for the games vent on to do other things or simply just died. People like mediatonic (which we will get to very soon) made robot unicorn attack which you offcorse have heard of seeing that you have an internet connection. After many failed attempts playstation moved on, leaving the minis idea to die. Instead the focusing on motion controllers so we can conclude with the fact that sony needs to get their f***ing act together. It’s mpt the controller that makes the game it’s the game that makes the controller. (I am so wise), just look at the 360. It lasts for 24 hours before committing suicide and becoming the world’s most expensive paper weight. And it still have amazing games,

So here’s my top 3 PlayStation minis. And why top 3? Because there’s no way in hell I pull myself through 10 of these. That’s nothing short of selfharming.

1: MONSTERS (probably) STOLE MY PRINCESS (mediatonic… Told you we’d get to them)kill them all mpsmp
The game takes place in a world where monsters run free and keep a civilized society. Until you show up offcorse. And by you I mean the game’s protagonist, Duke. Who is the most self obsessed arrogant prick….wait a minute …………..HA! I see what you did there. The objective is simple. You are a count (feel free to remove the letter O) who is possibly a vampire who jump at stuff in order to kill monsters that haven’t done anything for sport or in this case because he thinks monsters stole his princess. Who isn’t really a princess either, she’s a waitress at a fast food restaurant called princess-burger. The game is a personal guilty pleasure of mine and it has kept me busy for hours. But that is as far as the game gets. After one or two hours the entire game is finished. It is criminally short and I could count all the levels on one hand (not including the nerve crushing, 4665778239_2da62b85c2anger inducing Easter egg level I found). But luckily the levels are (somewhat) difficult and if the “RESTART LEVEL” button was an actually physical button it would be the one with the words almost scratched out from overuse.  You will try, over, and over, and over, and f***ing over again to beat your last high score. And if you reach the level’s top score. Well enjoy having an ego like the duke because that is an impressive achievement……… that nobody cares about.

I have to give credit to the designers who made the brilliant designs for the duke, the princess, the monsters, the environment, the everything.  And the writers. Everything the duke says makes me laugh like a lunatic (that’s where the similarity to Duke Nukam ends). The sound track was really really good and at one point I actually put the game’s menu up, turned the volume up to eleven and danced the night away to monsters probably stole my princess,s lobby music (which is not pathetic or depressing in anyway).

Ps: also check out “AMATEUR SURGEON” it is probably the sickest and silliest game about cutting the president apart and giving pigs thumbs. But also the most fun one too. I suggest checking out the smartphone app. So you can bring it with you.

2:PAPER WARS: CANNON FODDER ( iFun4all….. Boy that’s a stupid studio name)

This is what I imagine World War 2 would look like if it took place in the same universe as super paper Mario. It’s a (somewhat) tower defense game (I don’t know the real term cute but it is sort of like a tower defense game). I really like the game despite the fact that I f***ing hate it. I ate stress pills like I was a close personal friend of Ricky Gervais after playing this. Where in monsters probably stole my princess where you will be driven mad trying to beat your high score, paper wars takes it a step further by having you go insane from just trying to beat the damn level. This game taunts you when you lose by playing a little audio track that feels like a crying baby shoving a drill in to your cranium. And you better get used to that sound because you will lose. You will lose alot actually, this game makes dark souls look like a breeze as you grind your teeth in anger till they end up as a thin white powder you have to take home in a bag (and for those reasons, playing on a plane or an airport is not recommended).

p_mtA5yc43OscLS2gJB9Mob2-MvQJlDi

take it in folks. this is as good as it gets

You are a crudely drawn tank that kill crudely drawn soldiers with crudely rockets and even nukes………… and that’s about everything you do.  There are power ups that lets you carpet bomb them and slows down time, among others.  Not to mention the levels, where monsters probably stole my princess had too few levels and was too short. Paper wars have the exact opposite problem by taking forever. I have had the game for over 4 years now and I still haven’t been thought the whole thing. There are a lot of different types of levels like snow levels or desert levels.  But none of them really stand out and they all seem so uncreatively designed. Closest it gets to “creative level design” is there being a box standing in the middle of the level. A box that does NOTHING! I understand that the lazy design is to keep the battlefield open for the solider but that’s like sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. The soldiers are fucking everywhere. It’s like that scene in a cheap horror movie when the girl who got her ass on camera goes to bed and a million, billion spiders crawl on to her and inside her mouth. The screen is covered by the buggers, whether or not it is a digital or winter environment is invalid because the entire ground is covered by multicolored paper soldiers. So there goes the only variation in the fucking game. Great job guys.

3: angry birds (rovio… Like you didn’t know)

andry birds bacon pigs

Urghhhhhhhhhhhh. Yes. Angry birds. The biggest sell-outs since star wars were once a PlayStation mini. And you know what. Fuck them. Rovio was the indi studio that showed everyone how you did it with style and now they’re a commercial whore.  From this day forward I will fling shit at angry birds like a monkey on methamphetamine and laxatives. So the game is about a bunch of pissed of birds from some sick dystopian future where animals have lost all their limbs and birds can only fly by being launched from a catapult. so a tanooki suit is enough to unleash all f***ing hell but catapulting disabled animals is okay……teh fuq PETA!

And there are these green pigs that look like the embryo form of the children Kermit and miss piggy would have.  Who have managed to build these impressive constructions despite the fact that they don’t have any limbs either? stop-the-madness-slingshotSo how they did it is beyond me. Magic maybe. But no amount of magic could convince them that nails was a good idea because the constructions fall apart if you stare at them too hard (literally, some levels you can just open and wait for the buildings to fall by themselves. That’s just poor design).  Not to mention the sound of the bird flying make me lose my mind. It sounds like someone stepping on a one of those small dogs that look like a rolled up carpet.

So as every person that’s not Amish or a grandparent knows, the birds are banging up the pigs at the pigs’ place (so basically it’s an allegory for Charlie sheen’s Wednesday). You can beat the level and try to get 3 stars. But angry birds system is kind of confusing because I could knock down the pig building with one bird, reducing it to rubble  and still only have enough points to one star so what the f**k do I have to do to impress you rovio?

No I am not talking about that honey boo boo child(she’s not a princess). I am talking about the 2009 titan studios game, a studio that sadly doesn’t exist anymore.  For those of you why are not familiar with the game allow me to explain. Fat princess is the character in playstation all-stars that you refuse to pick because it looks like a watermelon in a dress with a human face painted on to it. Well that character used to be a character in a game where she found a magical cake that grew out of the ground and decided to eat it and then got a problem talking (or maybe it is honey boo boo). And the king thinks it’s the other kings fault, who also have a daughter that ate earth growing cake and got fat. So they start a war. And from there in it is basically the kind of sky view, one character fighting game.

i just got very sad

i just got very happy and sad at the same time

You play as a soldier. You can play as one  of five classes: warrior, wizard, priest, archer and worker. Or to use a language more gamers know. Heavy, pyro, medic, sniper and engineer. And like tf2 is has a blue and red team. For those who bought the extra dlc you also get to play as a pirate, a ninja and a giant. Which for the record could only be more awesome if it had burning breasts that lactated whiskey. There are many different ways to play. There’s capture the princess. Which is just like capture the flag. Or except you can feed the flag fattening ground cake that makes the flag heavier to carry and therefore harder to capture and also less attractive (sorry, but in this case it’s true).

There’s check point’s where you capture check points and the team that have captured all the points win.  There’s a team death match mode where……oh like I even had to say. It’s a bloodbath (unless you put it on child friendly mode, then it’s a toy and candy bath).  There’s a bizarro capture the flag where the princess is in the right castle and then you steal her. Though why you would want to is a question the game avoids. It’s like bringing a big monkey with a megaphone that eats money in to your home.

And best of all. There’s a football mode (NO! IT’S CALLED FOOTBALL NOT SCOCCER FU*K OFF!!!) where the point is just like normal football. You help a ball fulfill it’s dream of being in net. This is probably the one game mode that can get the most violent because when you and your friends lose the ability to hit people in a game.

You compensate for this however by beating the shit out of each other in real life when ever your friend scores a goal. So why not just get drunk and play underground football if the back yard. Not to mention gladiator mode. Which is basically just you imitating the grim reaper on a carousel. You are the ripper. You are in an arena. There are 200 000 of the worlds unluckiest basterds playing offense and it’s your job to create a bloodbath like someone threw a used tampon in a rotationg fan.

All the characters in the game except you and the princesses are randomly selected which gives them all a special characteristic to them even though they are sculptured from the exact same model. The characters are all cute and they have mini animations for everything they do that will have you laughing, even as you lose horribly. The environments are rich and there is a wide variety of levels to pick from. All the levels have their own special treats and secrets and it won’t be long before you have started mapping out attack plans using every sneaky secret passageway of control point to take the enemy castle. All trees and rock and the terrain itself is just beautiful to look at. The art style of the game is amazing. The levels are symmetrical and colorful and it is almost therapeutic to look at.

The controls are basic, meaning that titan studios wasn’t among the half Indi studios who fucked this up (you would be surprised how many does developers this) it’s easy to learn and the game as a nice flow to it. Fat princess is one of those rare games who everyone can say that they have heard of but do to competition being sharp around it’s realize very few can say they tried it. The violence and cuteness of it makes it look like Michal bay and Lauren Faust we’re taking turns designing it. It is fun, fast and pretty. And it was a great idea that could quickly have gone to hell during execution. But for once in the gaming industry, a great idea got to stay great.

In memory of TITAN studio 2008-2011

if you wanna know why it took so long. click here

Hello everyone. Another year. Man this will be fun…. Yeah. Didn’t really think so either. But let’s make the most of it. I down know how you chose to spend the first few days of 2013 but I spent them inside only wearing a pair of socks and a blanket while sitting on my couch shivering. There are these times when I really envy those of you who aren’t in Norway. Because at this time of year here, it’s so cold hell has frozen over (literary. There’s a place here called Hell. AND IT IS FU**ING COLD THERE TOO! Stores are closed and cars don’t work. Send some f***ing help!). But you didn’t come to hear me complain about being cold. Your here for a review. Now if  your one of those people who thought the Mayans were right and locked yourself in a bunker with a few old playboy magazines and a shitlode of canned beans since the last time we shot rockets at the sky and celebrated a new year, here’s a quick recap. I think I can say without spoiling that 2012 have been an embarrassing, tragic, horrific year for everyone involved. But like a smelly person on the bus, we have to put that behind us. Cause once again we experience another new year’s eve. Tonight will be a night of heavy drinking and fooling yourself by making false promises you won’t keep as we welcome the year 2013. And what better way to welcome the New Year than to drunkenly finger the Chinese explosives you set up in your garden. But before you light send up rockets and light the sky on fire, I suggest we take a look all the messed up stuff the entertainment industry has spewed out to the masses.

JANUARY

Chronicle - once upon a time. three friends who weren’t really friends claimed down a hole in the forest and touched a gigantic boulder that likes to glow. And the glowstick queen rock thingy makes them Jedis. The movie drag on, the characters are difficult to like and the pacing is awful.

STAR WARS The old republic - it’s an MMORPG what the hell would you expect. You can play basically any MMORPG and just take out the terrain and put it in space. and also make all the swords light sabers. the immersion doesn’t exist, and the story is disappointing. Still somehow… a good game.

FEBRUARY

The Means War – But for fuck sake. It’s an Ann Hathaway movie without Ann Hathaway. Two spies figure out that they are dating the same girl and decide to fight harder rather than… oh let’s say call her out on being a two timing bitch. I only saw the first half and you can describe that part of the movie with a guttural sound so the rest probably aren’t any good either. Needs more Hathaway

AMY - Do i seriously have review this. Okay. The only good this game did was possibly making abortion sound good. When I started playing I didn’t hate either children nor women in casual business attire. man this was a bad month for entertainment.

MARCH

Mass effect 3 – well, well, well. What the hell happened here. “retake mass effect” ? seriously?  Because the ending wasn’t EXACTLY as you wanted? All you who are on the list of retake mass effect people. Do you have any idea how much you make us gamers look like self entitled little whiners? I am downright embarrassed over you, but not as embarrassed as I am for bioware who changed their fucking game because of you. My god bioware. Stand by your damn choice. Don’t change it to be more popular you’ll one come off as desperate. At least 3D realms had the decency to stand by Duke Nukam forever and that game was shit in all ways. I didn’t want to review this but no other AAA game came out this month. You want a review. How about I give it a 4 out of ten. As in “4Q YOU”

The hunger games – please god no, no no no. please. Not another twilight clone. Not another movie based on a book with a female protagonist that is as bland and hat-able as Bella ……. Wait. Is that? Holy shit. She just smiled, she’s not cardboard like Bella. she’s human. She can act. and there are a last man standing story so i don’t have to hold out with the characters i hate through the entire story? This movie is cool. it’s not the next twilight, it’s the next harry potter. The story is intriguing, the shakey cam made me sick but for some reason the blood and gore didn’t. Catpiss evergreen is an interesting character, peta (which i kept calling peanut for some reason) was not as fun and the way they dawn up their contestants to kill each other but also put on a show is so cool. great movie .

KONY 2012 - So for the rest of spring 2012 everyone began hating on the black guy from Predator. The YouTube video about a man who has his own private army of child soldiers blew all YouTube records. If you are like me you too experienced your Facebook feed being spammed with people trying to make you watch this dumb video. The video encouraged people to take action against Kony on April 20th. they promised you a fun filled experience. which makes it funny that my house burned down on April 20th

APRIL

The Avengers - Okay so maybe not everything in 2012 was terrible. Because this was what has come to be know as “the spring of bromance. As the avengers movie went on screen all over the world, jocks and nerds were brought together by their love of choreography, thighs, trendy and stylish clothing and ……… Why did we love this again. I mean it’s iron man preparing a spaceship for 30 minutes then 40 minutes of the mall going “fuck you” “no, fuck you”.  And a rather homoerotic bromance between iron man and The Hulk. The story is stupidly simple but it is still probably my top 3 movie of the year.

Snow White and the Huntsman - For fuck sake. leave my childhood alone. It’s started with were wolfs in little red ridding hood  then this came along and i have even heard that there will be a movie about Hansel and Gretel being bad ass witch hunters. I appreciate the idea to make the fairy tales i was told as a child once again relevant to me but stop making them so god damn flamboyant. And the only reason this particular movie was even watched is because Kstew was in it so girls could watch a movie they though was like twilight and the only reason guys saw it was because we where still in a trance from last month and dribbling for anything avengers shaped, that’s right, Thor is in this movie and it was apparently enough to make me forget that the movie was kind of like twilight.


MAY

Branded – …. Fuck inception. This is the most over complicated movie ever. Just, what the fuck was I watching? Okay let’s try breaking it down. The space cow zapps the Russian guy and gives him marketing superpowers, and there’s a women how becomes fat and gets surgery and goes in to a coma. The Russian guy sacrifices a cow while naked and the lady takes him with her even though he’s naked and covered in cow blood and naked in the middle of the woods. And he can see the logos of famous companies as monsters now………….. Wat tha fuq? And the stupidest part is. The moral is “fat people are ugly”….. I am sorry. That’s just mean. And the bad guy who’s basically presented as emperor Palpatine in a business suit is trying to make it so fat people can become more confident in their bodies. I am sorry. This movie stunk. The cinematography sucked, the plot was mean spirited, and the story was probably written by writing down what a drunk parrot said on post it notes, attached them to a wall and thrown a dart at them and only use the once they hit. Stupid.

I AM ALIVE - I am embarrassed for getting exited for this. the story is disappointing and the use of sandstorms is just annoying (i’ll come back to that later). And the NPCs really pissed me off. Every single reviewer have taken the piss out of this guy already. but, there was a guy who said he was dying and wanted one last cigarette  and what pissed me of the most was. i couldn’t kill him. so after wasting the one bullet i had i walked disappointed that nobody would taste death that day around the corner and was ambushed by a gang of kidnappers. and when i finally got a cigarette i broke of the mission, walked straight across the map, stood infront of him and smoked it. then i lost all my health from smoking that cigarette and died because sometime the game just wanna piss you off.

JUNE

The Dark Knight rises - The amount of  erection jokes are so many that if  i made another one i’d cause overpopulation. The movie looks amazing and the final scene actually made me consider tearing up a bit. but the more you think of it. the dumber this movie gets. It’s so full of plot point is almost like it skips through time and space in order to have consistency. This movie was dumb when you think about it. while watching it however. it becomes awesome. I love what they did to bane, to take such and uninteresting character and make him almost more awesome than the joker. WOW. i still don’t get why he’s wearing Darth Vader’s speedo like a mask though

Lollipop chainsaw - I always thought there where some sort of limit to how dumb a game could get and then this came along, Juliet is a damn moron. Nick is cool, Juliette’s family should all be sectioned and the badguy is an emo with a crush on the main character. It’s colorful, sparkly, incredibly funny and a bit predictive. the combat is predictive and but the dialogue forgives it.

JULY

IRON SKY - Steam powered Nazis from space. A sentence that would make most gamers soil themselves in excitement. And speaking of videogames, this movie is kind of like the videosgame Duke nukeam forever. Because it took forever to be made, it was disappointing as hell when it was finished and the only things remotely funny about them were pop culture references from 5 years ago. The plot was clumsy the characters were too bland and the ending and climax was disappointing.

PSY - Gangnam style a popular song by the south Korean artist PSY. The song has at the time of writing reached 928 million views on YouTube. It is loved because it  makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Or does it. when i planed to review it i thought about mocking it. but when i translated the lyrics in to a language i understood. And there is a strange moment when you watch gangnam style and EVERY visual detail makes sense. So gangnam is a fancy place in south Korea  that has a lot of rich people and psy (which i choose to  pronounce phschi). the songs theme is on the contrast rich/poor and on korea’s credit dept and blah blah blah. So there is now a popular song with a meaning again rather then a boy (and that’s “boy” with a question mark after it) who took to many of his mother’s contraceptive pills and decided to spout the word “baby” like it’s his word of the day, every day.

 AUGUST 

Spec ops the line – I bought this believing that i was about to spend my money on another stupid FPS that would be a call of duty clone. but then i realized that enemy spawn point where obvious and it was buggy as fuck. Even Call of duty did better work than this. But then.  I did something i wasn’t proud of, i was disgusted, not just over the game but myself. And then i found some more. That made me feel awful. Maybe i am just one of those people who like being treated like dirt. But Spec ops was a new thing. Emotion gaming. I controlled the character not by tactics but feelings and at the end of the game i actually refused to shot anyone anymore and tried to sneak around everything and just get it over and done with. for those who’s wondering. i picked the suicide ending because that’s probably what i would have done if i was in captain walker’s place.

Expendables 2 - This is the action heroes from the 80′s who embarrass themselves by parodying themselves in a movie all about themselves  The end……………….No seriously. That is the most detailed description of the movie i can make

SEPTEMBER

Borderlands 2 – Once upon a time four people who quite frankly should get sectioned went on a quest to find a gigan vault on the planet of pandora. No not that pandora which was cool and beautiful and had hovering pieces of land. This Pandora have sand. SAND!! And snow! woooooh! but the four protagonists aren’t really any interesting and the characteron everyone’s lips will always be the best Villan of 2012, Handsome Jack. He makes the experience bearable.

Branded - …. Fuck inception. This is the most over complicated movie ever. Just, what the fuck was I watching? Okay let’s try breaking it down. The space cow zapps the Russian guy and gives him marketing superpowers, and there’s a women how becomes fat and gets surgery and goes in to a coma. The Russian guy sacrifices a cow while naked and the lady takes him with her even though he’s naked and covered in cow blood and naked in the middle of the woods. And he can see the logos of famous companies as monsters now………….. Wat tha fuq? And the stupidest part is. The moral is “fat people are ugly”….. I am sorry. That’s just mean. And the bad guy who’s basically presented as emperor Palpatine in a business suit is trying to make it so fat people can become more confident in their bodies. I am sorry. This movie stunk. The cinematography sucked, the plot was mean spirited, and the story was probably written by writing down what a drunk parrot said on post it notes, attached them to a wall and thrown a dart at them and only use the once they hit. Stupid.

OCTOBER

DISHONORED - Someone give the designers at Arkane studios a raise. This is what I imagined team fortress 2 would look like if it was in IMAX. And I think I saw corvo’s mask in a nightmare I had once. This game is a stand alone. You can choose not to kill anyone, you can play detective and find ways to overthrow the new empire, everyone and everything has its own style, the story is great and the outsider……………oh god the outsider. This game is probably among the best games I have tried in two years but the outsider. God I hate him. Not cool, not interesting, not well played, not adding anything what so ever. If they would have dropped him it would have been my game of the year.

Wreak it ralph - Remember how all gamers nearly crapped our self when the first trailer for this movie came out. The parts of our brains that feel nostalgia blew up in a Doug walker shaped could. I love the references and the straight of crossovers. This is toystory for video games. And toy story was awesome. So naturally. This was awesome. Sure. It wasn’t what I though and the really famous videogame characters are pushed aside, probably because their original studios charged too much. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying it. And I would just like to a moment to declare my love for John C Reilly.

NOVEMBER 

Hitman absolution - maybe i am just very sick in the head, but while i was playing hitman absolution i was imagening it was the norwegian prime minister Jens Stoltenber who had shaved his head and started working out.  It became more entertaining that way. It is a very nice game though. The mechanics are great, the story is somewhat trubbled, the flow of any contract is smooth and everyone will come out of it with a different experience.

Twilight- So here we go. Tonight we lay to rest my manhood. As I have now found a twilight movie I actually kind of liked. Sure it was stupid and disgusting as twilight usually is but I kind of liked this one when you get down to it. Mosley because it doesn’t have much to do with the book. And separating Stephanie mayers from stuff makes stuff better.  One think I can judge it the most by it’s the climax. Because the rest is just kstw having a cardboard face. But this is probably the best fight scene in all of 2012 and since the twilight universe says that you can only kill vampires by decapitating them….. god I love that scene. What condemns the movie is something that most film makers say is something they would rather die than do. It was all a dream. Or a daydream by one of those vampires that see the future but say that the future can be changed. So they are basically guessing vampires, the count from seasmy street and mary mary had a kid.

DECEMBER

Far Cry 3 - some of you may have seen my VGA a month back or so when I gave far cry 3 the award for most promising game because…… Well it hadn’t come out yet and it looked good. I honestly did consider going back and edit that VGA by taking away the game of the year award from spec ops and giving it to Far cry 3. This game is amazing, it is so visually beautiful and so amazingly designed that you can sit for hours just look. It has a gigantic advisement, a great story, realism to the point where it could be called a simulation and it is just brilliant. it’s dark, it’s deep, it is daring. get this game in front of you right now.

The Hobbit – Once upon a time, an old mad and a short guy with hairy feat went on an epic quest to find a fancy piece of jewelry. The find a fighting happy midget and an anorexic Mr bean with Donald duck’s voicebox and they explore the magic land of new Zealand (but it’s called middleearth). Did that sound like the beginning of a joke? Honestly. See the original trilogy. This one isn’t as good as they are. It’s still good and you should still go see it. But compared the original peter Jackson lord of the rings…. It doesn’t hold up. The movie just didn’t impress me. And on that note I think I’ll end this post before the LOTR fans come and force feed me with my own genitals. Bye bye.

review score: meh.

Let’s just hope that 2013 won’t be as horrific and tragic as 2012. Happy new year.