Since there is already a review for Fat Princess, Naughty Bear and Monsters (Probably) Stole My Princess on this site i figured I may as well take a chance at reviewing the game that convinced me to stop buying these games that just seem silly and child friendly at first but turned out to be so fucked in the head, your frontal lobe can be classified as a prostitute after playing. Not because it was bad, but because I knew now that I didn’t have to lie when I look my future children in the eye and say that just because a videogame is violent, doesn’t make it more fun. This one was genuinely hard to get a hold of. I tried my local game shops and electronics sellers, I checked PSN and Steam, and yet it was not to be found. I finally managed to import a copy from America and it showed up smelling of cheeseburgers and gunpowder.
The entire game doesn’t really seem to know who it is inspired because it seems like Disney told H.C. Andersen to write a story together with Michal bay, and then made bizarro Tim burton directed it after he had been awake for the last 48 hours watching the Hayao Miyazaki marathon. And speaking of old animation and Disney. What gives Disney, first you close down your main animation studio and then you close Lucasart. If you want to be piledriven in to the same chamber pot that Enron and AIG have been lying face down in? If so, you just have to ask, we won’t be difficult to convince. All we have to do is look at your live action shows and we will be gathering an angry mob and marching it all the way to Anaheim in no-time.
The protagonists you can choose from today are little red riding hood, snow white, the king who should change tailor and Jack. And just to put some light on the unoriginal naming in fairytales I will give you time to figure out which of the 20 fairytale jacks I am talking about. They are all angry at this one guy who I am pretty sure was one of the candy racers in wreck it ralph, because he has been ruining their stories and rendered them worthless. They now seek revenge and what better way to get revenge on the one person that wronged you than massacring every single innocent bystander and adorable woodland creature in cold blood if they come within a 500 feet radius. Personally I always ended up playing as little red riding hood which I ended up calling Alice partially because her voice sounded like my friend Alice and partially because I knew I was gonna review this and Alice is less tedious and time consuming to type than little red “fuck this five syllable name” riding hood. Not to mention she is the only character I didn’t despise. The king is a creep, jack is a poorly designed moron and snowwhite is a twitching, schizophrenic mess. Most the time the animation makes the characters look life half inflated parade balloons, which I am guessing was a decision made by the developers in order to keep out of the uncanny valley. If so, nicely done. However, if the animation is as distant from realism as this one, the story should be told via a nonverbal way to make it more accessible to a larger audience. But I think that fairytale fights could benefit from some more voice work.
Every time a fight starts, “Alice” makes a scream that sounds like an autotuned cat with its tail trapped in the car door….and that’s it, she doesn’t have any other dialogue or sounds. I am not saying that they need that uncharted style dry joke spouting every other second but maybe give the narrator a voice so we don’t have to read an entire novel while a lumberjack and lombertom (oh, and the game is filled with puns) is trying to bash my scull in. And since the narrator and his text bobbles it the only way to keep in touch with the actual story you won’t be understanding or getting why people who you’ve never met and seem nice at first glance is running at you waving sharp and blunt objects that they want to deposit inside your cranium.
But I digress, the story isn’t the main focus in a game like fairytale fights because if you turn the box/cover/what-ever-you-call-it around you will see the words “bloody crazy” and “multiplayer co-op” in big shiny capital letters. And why wouldn’t they market those things in particular. They are the two only biggest features the game has to offer, because fairytale fights suck if you are going to be playing it solo single loner style. If you remember my naughty bear and fat princess review then you must remember that I said that these games should be played with friends and possibly a few (dusin) drinks and the same goes for fairytale fights. But if you do remember my naughty bear and fat princess review then you’re probably the kind of person that don’t have any friends you can invite over and you probably aren’t even over the legal drinking age either seeing how you’re playing fairytale fights. But if you do have the necessary qualifications to never becoming a monk then I suggest you round up 4 of your best lads and lasses and play the night away.
I suggest getting the PC version because the controls on the console (ps3 in this case) is f***ing atrocious. There are a lot of complaints I can make about how the buttons seems to have forgotten where they were supposed to be and decided to improvise but I feel like the two biggest are the once that control your weapons. Because the right shoulder button where the button to fire and attack is supposed to be there is a switch weapon button. And to top it off, the switch weapon button works even when there’s no weapon there to switch with so your character will throw whatever weapon he or she has acquired across the screen, in to walls or of cliffs like as if they just saw a big hairy spider on the handle. And when enemies are attacking in large bundles and come from nowhere (which they always do) then you as a gamer will have it written in stone in your brain that you should now push the right shoulder button to defend yourself. Which here causes the character to hurl whatever weapon their holding as far as they can, leaving you defenseless against the attacking horde. I have had people telling me that I should try to focus better on remembering the button combinations but I’ll be damned if I un-learn the normal way a controller should work for just one game. And when the right shoulder button is taken, the attack and defend actions has had to be moved to another place for them to inhabit. And that place turns out to be the right analog stick…let’s see…..what would be the best way to phrase this?…………..hm…… ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!!! I am aware of the cliché of even mentioning this, seeing how every other critic on the planet having addressed the issue but why can’t developers just leave the analog stick alone? Not only is it annoying and off-putting to wiggle that sword with it for every good damn move but it fucks the gameplay directly up. If I wanted to wave shit without any system to it, I would have bought a wii. But this means that the camera will be out of our control and if you are a normal, sensible human being like me, or your neighbor or prince charls then you will have the tv and couch more than 3 inches away from each other.
After playing through the game I started to wonder just how exactly they were going to market this. Because the gameplay is put together in a manner that might be fun to play but when you look at it without any way to interact with the characters on screen then it’s more boring than watching a imitate snail slow-motion slithering across a football field in bullet time. So went online and saw a live action trailer for the game featuring a guy I thought was the guy who played super Mario. So I looked in the description and saw the male actor’s name and goggled him. And after spending the remainder of that evening with my forehead resting on my toilet seat, feeling my breakfast, lunch and dinner exiting my body the say way they entered, I thought about the things I had learned that day. I learned that Fairytale fights is even more messed up in the head than I thought, I learned the importance of double checking and making sure that the safe search is on. I saw to my surprise that instead of actually gameplay edited to look like an action movie, the trailer consisted of pornstars. Which makes me wonder. Did they use this as a way to get publicity to a game that would go in to the forget book a month after release. By aggravating the anti-gaming crowds by making them cry “ SCANDAL” and “Corrupting the minds of my children”? There are even awards for spilling 1000 gallon of blood and murdering 1000 innocent children, so much for trying to get rid of the social stigma around videogames.
But even though the game has set back the evolution of videogames a few years and the combat controls like a man with Parkinson and Hemophilia playing five finger fillet. And the same can be said for the outcome of the battles since the screen get’s filled with blood when you kill someone. The weapons are practically useless and the few good once you find are probably going to be throw so far away that you can never possibly retrieve them, not to mention that they incinerate if you die which leaves you defenseless after respawning. But the visuals are cool and fun to look at and there are fairytale Easter eggs all over the place so you will at least be spectacular to watch. There is also a menu level where you can build your fame up again and build yourself statues but I never even fucking touched that because it frigging masturbatory.
So the big question is: is fairytale fights a good game? To that I have to say no.
But the question that you should be asking is: is fairytale fights a fun game? And that it most definitely is, despite the control problems.
But the most important question is: Bioshock Infinite is out. Why the fuck am I playing this shit?
Roger Ebert (1942-2013)
You were the man all critics wish to become, we will always remember what you thought us. Thank you for shearing your genius. Rest In Peace